Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas

OK, this is my place to come and bitch; if you want a nice, light Christmas poem, go to my other blog. If you're not able to deal with a downer today, read no further.

How did I start my Christmas Eve? I got up a little before 6 o'clock, started a pot of coffee, and then sat on the floor in the kitchen petting my dogs and bawling. Because I love the Holidays - the decorations, our family traditions - and I don't have a tree or a single strand of lights up and I'm not going to be 'home for the Holidays' this year; and because it's Christmas Eve and I had to get up early because they (might) be coming to bring my new washing machine this morning. I say might because they were supposed to have brought it Monday, and then Tuesday, so I'm not holding my breath for today. I haven't been able to do a single load of wash since I've moved here; it sure would be nice to have some clean clothes. And I was bawling because I woke up barely able to use my hands, and every joint hurts, and I'm tired.

Tired from coming to St. Louis and driving all around the area looking for a place to live (and, as it turns out, choosing the WRONG place). Tired from unexpectedly having only four days left to finish getting ready to move. Tired from driving here from Houston with my parents and dogs in tow, and then having to drive for the first time in ice and snow the very first day here. Tired from spending a week unpacking and unpacking and unpacking, so I could get all the stupid boxes OUT of here. Mentally and emotionally tired because there have been so many problems with my apartment, and with the move in general, and I feel like I made a huge mistake in deciding to take this job and move to St. Louis. Tired from doing it all with increasing joint pain every day. Mentally and emotionally tired from trying to force my mood up every day, and not give in to the lurking negativity. Tired because underneath it all, fatigue is so much part of having RA that it's hard to remember what it feels like to not be tired all the time.

And I haven't even started the new job yet.

Yes, I'm having a nice little pity party. I feel awful about it, since my parents have gone to the trouble of finding a cabin just an hour away from St. Louis, and are driving all the way back here, after driving home to Houston just last week, so I don't have to drive back to Houston for Christmas. They're in a hotel this morning, hoping the falling temps and earlier rain here in Missouri don't create dangerous driving for the last leg of their trip to the cabin. They've got troubles of their own, but they've made a huge effort to make this Christmas nice.

I'm sure I'll work myself into a better attitude before long, but I decided I needed to take a time out and just let it all hang out there.

And "That's all I have to say about that", since my hands won't type another word, and I need to pack for the cabin. . .

1 comment:

Sara said...

hey-sometimes you have to just sit in your own misery (or in your case, a zillion boxes!) before you can figure out how to get past it. I hope that getting to the cabin and having Christmas with your parents turned out OK- maybe things will look up for the new year? take care and good to hear from you-even if you just need to let off steam!